This our first power ranking of the NFL season.

We know nothing, but it is the NFL, so some weeks we will actually know something. Most weeks we know nothing. Hope we did not insult your team too badly. Hope we did not put the team you hate the most at a  higher ranking then the team you love. Because we are under staffed here, and we don’t have people looking through your windows to see what team you like and how we are going to screw you in our rankings. No NFL players were hurt in the process of getting these rankings together.

#1. LA RAMS              5-0                Rams seem to me the most together team in football. Offensively they can score with the best teams of the league. Love the name Cooper Cupp. If I was quarterback I would want to throw passes to Cooper. He reminds you of the slew of New England white receivers they have running routes. Boston is just a racist town, black receivers matter as well. Rams has that too, in Brandon Cooks, former Patriot. Always an unsung hero doing great things out there, Robert Woods seems forgotten. A guy that makes huge catches. This is a great group of receivers and very dangerous.  Does the “Girli Man” need to be pumped up?

No need for he will slash and dash right past you for hunks of yardage. Then The Rams defense is also one of the top ten. This is a team that should stay in the the top five of our charts the whole year unless they have a bus accident on the way to the stadium.

#2. KANSAS CITY CHIEFS    5-0         If they had another cold war, Kansas City would win as they have stockpiled weapons of mass destruction on their offense. You name it.  They have tanks with speed which also can run you over. They have stealths with heat-seeking missiles.  Throw some F-15s in the mix. I’m sure Andy Reid is sitting on the Nuke to unleash at the Super Bowl party. Teams will need to hire Jack Bauer as their defensive coordinator to keep Mahomes and his group in check.

My questions with the Chiefs are.. .Can Mahomes fire on all cylinders the rest of the year? People are still waiting for his bad game, will it happen? I know they do not have the worst defense in the league, but pretty close. Will that defense haunt them in the playoffs? Can’t see this team not winning their division.

#3. NEW ORLEANS SAINTS    4-1       If Drew Brees had all the quarterback all-time records, would people still think he not in the top three great quarter backs of all-time? If the Chargers would have held on to Drew Brees, would they still be in San Diego and perhaps have a Super Bowl trophy? I thought last year the Saints should have made it to the Super Bowl. The Saints started off slow out of the gates, but now they have warmed up. The offense welcome back their suspended running back, Mark Ingram. Now they have their two headed monster back in the backfield. I was talking Cold war with the Chiefs, but the Saints have collected lots of weapons as well. I think the Saints will continue to rise because the defense is playing well. Last year the defense was able to force the turn over and give the ball back to their offense. I can see the Saints getting back to the big dance.  Maybe Brees needs another Superbowl trophy in order to be talked about in the top three of all-time from the bar stools of others.

#4.NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS   3-2        Yeah, the Patriots are part of the top five. Yes indeed, a team most of the world wants to see just go away. However with Tom Brady and head coach Darth Vader, this team will still be a thorn in people’s sides. I hope Kansas City continues to play well as a possible team to get rid of the Evil Empire for good. If the Chiefs falter the Evil Empire, it’s an easy march through the rest of the AFC. The Shower Curtain and Big Ben are like the titanic sinking in the tar pits. Then the Jags come on, Bortles as your starting quarterback. Rivers is too busy piling up the kids in his family. It just looks too easy for the Evil Empire.

#5. CINCINNATI BENGALS 4-1    This thing about winning to save Marvin Lewis’ job started last season. The Bengals in the second half took it to teams and won like 5 out 6 games. This year they are off to a 4-1 start. Andy Dalton has been playing excellent. They have a Robin to go along with Batman, AJ Green. Tyler Boyd has been a nice weapon when AJ Green is doubled team. Plus their defense is no longer making the bone-headed plays. They are getting after people and stopping people and forcing turnovers like they did against Miami last week. They are no longer the Bumbles.

#6. CHICAGO BEARS 3-1

Before the season even got started, I thought the Bears were heading to a 6-7 win season. They sign Khalil Mack and now it looks like they have a bad ass defense. Jon Gruden is still wondering why someone should be drafted out of Buffalo University? He then trades him away and wonders why the team has no pass rush. Back to the Bears as new coach, new offense. Lots of weapons added on that side of the ball as well. Mitch Trubisky finally had his big game two weeks ago against the Buccaneers. I know their defense is horrid. However it always depends on the quarterback for most teams. If Mitch can play well, this team could have a rematch against the Evil Empire in the Superbowl. The defense is that good. We will see. Could we be having a conversation on who has the better defense… the 85 team or the 2018 team? We just need to bring back the Refrigerator Perry to run one in the Patriots in the big game to cap the win and end Brady’s career at the same time.

#7. MINNESOTA VIKINGS       2-2-1          Vikings coming off a huge win against the Eagles last week. Vikings had a let down against Buffalo. Their schedule has been very tough to start the season. Even Steven with a tie is not too bad, only 5 weeks in. Plenty of time to turn around that defense that is rumored to be great. Plus find a running game to make the offense well balanced. They will be coming to an easier part of their schedule and have a few weeks to fix everything and get back to the team from last year. Plus I think Cousins will get better and I still think he is better than any of the quarterbacks they had on their roster last year. They will win and make the playoffs with the talent they do have. My question is, can Cousins play like a high paid quarterback and win play off games. Anybody can collect the Money and win regular season games.

#8. CAROLINA PANTHERS 3-1                The Fig Newton has the Panthers off to a 3-1 start for the year. Looks like another regular season where the Superman of the league will be a one man army back there. Running the ball and throwing the rock.  I know Cam expects me to boast about him and him only, regarding why the Panthers are 3-1. Blame the defense on the loss. Indeed, I will not, as the defense, like always, needs to be known and as always is playing well. The Giants managed to come back on the Panthers last week. Panthers survived with a big boot from their kicker to ice the game with seconds left. Right now the Panthers are a top ten team. Not sure if they will stay there. Besides Fig Newton being soft, I can see other teams getting better by the week. Ron Rivera is a great coach but when things go South because of Cam, it’s hard to put his head back together.

Ask any reporter.

#9. JACKSONVILLE JAGUARS  3-2              Jacksonville has the great wall, as in defense. However the Berlin fell as the Jaguars fell to the Chiefs last week. The Jaguars have a top defense. They can beat some top teams. However this team will play a clunker and their offense is the big reason. Their starting running back Fournette is hurt. What else to they really have? Shame on the ownership sticking with Bortles as the quarterback. The same Bortles that was picked before Khalil Mack in the draft. Is Bortles a game changer? The Jaguars could easily win their division unless they lose another field goal kicking contest to the Titans. Perhaps Andrew Luck will start getting his team going with a big run as he’s looking better and better each week. Even Houston won two in a roll. No wonder they talk about Jacksonville going to London, England to play four home games a year. If the Jaguars moved to England, would they make a sound?

#10. LA CHARGERS 3-2                   Chargers have the roster that is deep and loaded with talent. Talent on both sides of the football. You think they should be in the top ten, but do they really play like a team in the top ten? Everything with these guys is a struggle. They played against the 49ers’ back up QB and squeaked by. They had a huge lead on the Bills in the first half and took a nap in the second half.  Raiders last week, they won quietly 26 to 10. They have a chance to get a streak going as they play the Browns and the Titans in the next two weeks. Instead of being 5-2 which they should be, they will  end up 4-3. Then they will tease you at the end of the season when they win convincingly over some great team, then fall short and miss the playoffs. Does anybody in LA care? Especially sharing the town with the Rams.

#11.GREEN BAY PACKERS  2-2-1   I have not been impressed with the land of cheddar. I think they could easily be 1-4. If the Bears did not blow a 20 point lead in the last quarter of the game and if Charlie Brown, the kicker at the time for the Vikings, made a few simple field goals, this would be a whole new story. However they have Rodgers and they are treading water at this time. Just watch, this team will suddenly get red hot and win six straight and people will talking playoffs again. They have many holes on this team, but Rodgers has a horseshoe up his arse and his luck will keep them in the hunt. Maybe Clay Matthews will fly his drone into Rodgers’ good leg and end his season early. At least he can home to Danica, see the horseshoe continues to pay off.

#12. CLEVELAND BROWNS 2-2-1  I’m conducting an experiment. If I put the Browns high in the ranking, will they continue to climb towards the top or will they fall like in the game Chutes and Ladders. The Dawg pound has to have the biggest hard-on in the world to see Baker Mayfield behind center. Peeing on the fire hydrants, not angry any more has to feel enlightening for each mutt in the crowd. Good for Policemen is not having to change their pants as the cuff of their slacks are drenched in recycled beer, trying to enforce the law against the whiz kids. With the King James moving out of town and the Indians scalped in the playoffs, Mayfield might be the new Drew Carey in town. I will miss those parades though when they finished perfect, not winning one game.

#13.BALTIMORE RAVENS 3-2    Who are the Ravens? Are they good, bad or just plain ugly? This is a team that always screws you when it comes to predicting what they will do. They can beat the Steelers, lose to the Browns, and perhaps win this week against whoever. Flacco looks better with his new toys. The defense has played well. The pattern will show at some point as they are destined for an 8-8 season. You just have to figure out who they will beat, who’s on first, and if they will be a second place team or dead last in that division.

#14.PITTSBURGH STEELERS 2-2-1 The Steelers need some kind of defense. They somehow slowed down the Falcons last week. They are an offensive power house with an idiot for a head coach. Mike Tomlin is a defensive guy as he should have something in place better then what he has been doing all year. Every year for some reason I think the Steelers could contend with the Patriots for the AFC. However this year they might not even win the division as everyone has improved except them. They say Marvin Lewis needs to be fired every year from the Bengals. I’m telling you it’s time to fire Mike Tomlin. Does he  have pictures of the owner wearing a dress to keep his job like he’s a Pope?

#15.DETROIT LIONS 2-3  Lions have not been able to play the Patriot way yet. They have two big wins against talent like the Packers and the Patriots. The Packers missed 5 field goals but still it’s a win and it came against the division rival. Then they get destroyed by the Jets and lose to the 49ers. Jimmy was the starter when they played the Niners. They have many weapons on the offense. They have one of the best quarterbacks in the league, I would say Stafford is in the top ten. Do the players want to play for the bearded Muslim guy with a girlie last name? The Patriots coaches’ tree does not sprout very well outside the death star. This perhaps can be a slow start. Not impressed with a team with a lack of courage.

#16. WASHINGTON REDSKINS 2-2  They say the Redskins have a good defense. I think they lost it before they even played against the Saints on Monday Night. They say this was the rebirth of Alex Smith once again. They even said Spanky Peterson was going to whip some ass this year. They demolished the Cheeseheads before the Saints marched all over their deadskin bums. Another team like the Ravens, you don’t know who will show up every week and for sure you do not know what they will do. Forest Gump said it perfectly… they are like a box of chocolates and you don’t know what you will get.

#17. TENNESSEE TITANS 3-2  The Titans are a team that has a winning record. Perhaps will make the playoffs again like last year. It’s one of those teams that feast off the teams in their own division. They can beat the Jaguars, Colts and the Texans. They will find a win against other opponents here and there to get to that nine win mark. Last week they lost to the Bills on the road. This week they will come home and beat the Ravens. I like their defense. Marcus Mariota, another young quarterback, is regressing. I think they are a better team with Gabbert behind center. It’s one of those teams where you scratch your head and wonder how they made it to the playoffs?

#18.MIAMI DOLPHINS   3-2 The Dolphins are finally back down to earth as they started off 3-0. Now they have lost two in a row. They face the Bears on Sunday, that should even their record at 3-3. They have some names on both sides of the ball. I know Jay Cutler is not their quarterback like last year. That explains how they won three games. I do like Ryan Tannehill. He’s coming off a big injury that kept him off the field for an entire year. However he is not the same guy from two years ago. He is probably still trying to find himself. However with the Bears defense in town, it’s not a good time to be looking in the wrong direction.

#19.ATLANTA FALCONS 1-4  I have the Falcons high on my power rankings even though they have less wins than a handful of teams. I think they can win against many teams even with one of the worst defenses in the league. They are another team that lost some close games by one score so their record could easily be different. Matt Ryan and that offense is hard to match with some of the offenses these teams behind them have.

#20. HOUSTON TEXANS 2-3 Houston has finally won a game in the battle of Texas as they beat the Cowboys. This coming off the gift they got from the Colts the week before. See what one win does? It starts a winning streak. Texans have great receivers. They have big names on defense. They are going through some growing pains with Watson who looked awesome last year before the injury. Are things starting to come together? On paper they look like a great team, especially since they are not dealing with lots of injuries, like in years past.

#21. DALLAS COWBOYS 2-3        HOW ABOUT THOSE COWBOYS?!?!?! Looks like another young quarterback is regressing. Perhaps not having Dez Bryant is the major problem that explains why the team is not off to a good start. You know that is what Dez is thinking. Then Jerry Jones is questioning the head coach. Looks like Elliot has been a good citizen this year. Sounds like one big happy family because they have the hottest cheerleaders in the league.

How many cheer leaders do you think Dez Bryant has dropped over his career? You know the catch rule as Dez can never complete the process of the… you can fill your own blanks in.

#22. BUFFALO BILLS 2-3                Out of the Gates, Bills looked like the worst team in the history of the league. However a playoff team from last year has crawled back into some respective level. The defense needs to get the turnovers like a druggie needs its next fix to make things go right for the Bills.They are still dealing with growing pains of Josh Allen. With a poor offensive line ,the offense is sputtering. Bills need that defense to dominate if they are going to pull out more wins. They definitely need a dry wall guy to spackle the holes on the offensive line. Maybe a make over. Is Tim Taylor available ?

#23. TAMPA BAY BUCCANEERS 2-2  I believe the Devil screwed Ryan Fitzpatrick. Seriously Mr. Devil you took his soul and you only gave him 3 good games and a bad half. You think a Harvard guy’s soul is at least worth a half of a season. Now Winston is back behind center as Fitzmagic has sizzled out. So far Winston’s Uber rating is better than his quarterback rating. The defense is bleeping horse crap. Mitch Trubisky looking like he was playing catch out there as everyone was wide open for the Bears a few Sundays ago. At least they have the coolest ship inside their stadium out of any other teams. Well the Bears have a spaceship on top of their stadium. Bears got the win. let’s give the Buccaneers the ship thing.

#24. NEW YORK JETS 2-3             Jets are in the rebuilding stages. It’s a sneaky team. Opposing teams think “Oh the Jets, this should be an easy victory.” Then they bite your head off when you’re not even looking or paying attention and they win the game. Remember last year when Josh McCown was the quarterback, most of the season they were winning games. It’s close to the same roster, but they are still developing their rookie quarterback. Jets will be up and down on the charts all year.

#25. INDIANAPOLIS COLTS 1-4   Colts record is bad. I think they are better than their own record. They could easily have a tie and be 1-3-1. However head Coach Frank Reich gave the Texans an early Christmas gift. I’m sure Watt and company will pay the Colts back when they are facing each other for a division title down the road in 2020. Andrew Luck is looking great. I think the Colts defense is a nice unit of some young and up and coming talent. I think the Colts will move up the charts before mid season.

#26. DENVER BRONCOS 2-3   You wonder why the Minnesota Vikings did not try to sign any of their quarterbacks on their roster from last year? I think they knew they had a three man band of one hit wonders. They use up their luck and find someone else. They say some people’s junk is another person’s treasure and the Broncos found Case Keenum on the curb, dusted him off, and put him behind center. Now they look very bad. Wasn’t John Elway a quarterback? You think a great quarterback can spot another great quarterback. Hey Jay Cutler is available.

#27. OAKLAND RAIDERS 1-4   You bring back Chucky AKA Jon Gruden and it sounds like a good idea, but to pay him like he is Jesus Christ Superstar is beyond stupid. First he did not want to pay Khalil Mack, a GAME CHANGER. A guy you build a team around. Then to complain about your own team and the lack of a pass rush. Then they sign a few washed up veterans who were once big names and are cast offs from their old team in hopes they can do something. The defense is a joke. Now it looks like once a franchise quarterback, is regressing. WELCOME TO LAS VEGAS! Do you actually know what you are getting? Thank God they have the Golden Knights there and slots and hookers to take you mind off the black hole of a football team.

#28. ARIZONA CARDINALS 1-4       I feel sorry for Larry Fitzgerald to come back for another year and now Sam Bradford is your starting quarterback. Then they signed Mike Glennon. Right then and there I would have left town or just hung up the spikes. Then they did draft one of the top quarterbacks, who played well, to beat the crappy 49ers. The automatic thing to do when you sign Mike Glennon is draft a quarterback in round one. So Larry will help the rookie develop, but the Cardinals will have to feast on division opponents that are not the Rams to get their wins.

#29. SAN FRANCISCO 49ERS 1-4       It’s pure hell to be a 49er fan these days. It has to be roller coaster of emotions as they were up when Jimmy Garoppolo goes undefeated like last year behind center. Before Jimmy arrived the team was playing poorly. Before last year you had Colin Kaepernick as your quarterback. If I was a fan, I would slit my wrists having someone be kneeling while you’re losing the game. Yes 49ers at the time would lose before the game even started. The Niners back-up played well against the Chargers. Then to get beat by the Cardinals, you know your season is done for the year.

#30.NEW YORK GIANTS 1-5       This year with Cleveland actually winning games, you can not actually put them in anymore as the automatic last spot in the rankings. I found it hard to decide which team to put there then I watched the Giants on Thursday night football against the Eagles. I thought the Giants were actually turning the corner with the game against Carolina last Sunday. Then watching their offensive line crumble and Eli Manning can not escape to stretch out a play. It makes you wonder was it smart to pass up one of those quarterbacks in the draft. Don’t get me wrong, Barkley is an awesome running back. Running backs can grow in your pepper garden. Quarterbacks are harder to come across, especially a guy that can take over for ten years. This move will set this franchise back. Plus Beckham is a talent, but a dog at the same time, that can bring down a team with his sunny personality.