We are approaching the halfway point of the USFL return. The picture is getting a tad clearer of which teams have risen to the top and a few teams that will stay at the bottom of the barrel. Some of the teams will hover around until they rise or fall in the next few weeks. In week 5 we have some movement in the regular edition of the USFL power rankings, but most of it’s the same as week 4. However we some new stories to be told about all of these teams. We kick around some numbers that tell some of the story of the success or why some teams are riding the struggle bus. The Stallions are still the top dog.

The Maulers seem to be repeating history. We dissected the worm in grammar school and survived. We can do the same with our lovely edition of this week’s power rankings.

#1.

BIRMINGHAM STALLIONS (4-0) SAME

What is the recipe for being undefeated in the USFL? First to have home field advantage against all your opponents. Second, slice and dice your opponent and score the most points in the league. Third, pick out the top notch defense at the market.

Stallions lead the USFL in sacks with 12 in 4 games so they know how to kill the quarterback. The Stallions defense has held their opponents to only 17.3 points per game. Last week, the Bandits only tallied up 36 yards in the second half. Last week the Stallions failed to score 20 points or better, as they were held to 16. If you want, you can say that’s their first kink in the armor.

#2.

NEW ORLEANS BREAKERS (3-1) SAME

The Breakers turnover the ball 4 times to the Houston Gamblers and still won the game. Chalk this up to great teams find a way to win the ball game. Kyle Sloter had a bad day at the office but redeemed himself at the end of the game by leading the Breakers to the winning score to put away the Gamblers for good.

They say the cockroach survived the extinction of the dinosaurs. Sloter has been stepped on, hit multiple times, has all kinds of injuries, but he’s like that bug keeps getting up to live and fight another 4 downs. Sloter shot his team in the foot 4 times and still keeps coming back at you. Like a horror movie you think the killer’s dead, but he always somehow returns. The Breakers defense last week put a grinding halt to the top running back in the league, Mark Thompson of the Houston Gamblers, as they swarmed him every time he touched the ball.

#3.

NEW JERSEY GENERALS (3-1) UP 1 SPOT

The Generals are moving up in this star-studded power rankings.

The Generals have won three in a row since losing in week one to the undefeated Birmingham Stallions.

Chris Dishman, the defensive coordinator of the Generals, has his unit only giving up 15.8 points per game which is the third fewest in the USFL. The former defensive back, Dishman, from those powder blue Oiler teams has done a remarkable job. On offense, the Generals ground game is second in the league with 178.3 yards per game. Running back Darius Victor leads the USFL with 4 rushing touchdowns.

#4.

PHILADELPHIA STARS (2-2) The back up quarterback is always the most popular guy from where at least I come, watching Chicago Bears football every Sunday. The Stars season looked grim last week after Philadelphia lost their starting quarterback Bryan Scott, who has been a rock star in this league behind center. A new star was born on the gridiron last week as Case Cookus took the reigns behind center and emerged as a gunslinger that completed 73% of his passes and lead the team to a big win getting back to the 500 mark.

Cookus threw 2 touchdown passes and had 190 yards in his debut to keep the Stars season alive closing in on the halfway point of the season.

#5.

TAMPA BAY BANDITS (2-2) DOWN 2 SPOTS Some experts thought the Tampa Bay Bandits were going to be the best team in the USFL. I thought that Jordan Ta’amu would be the best quarterback in the entire league. Don’t get me wrong, Ta’amu is one of the best quarterbacks in the league, but to me he was much better in 2020 playing for the St. Louis Battlehawks.

Todd Haley is a bum. I think he coached on teams like Pittsburgh Steelers that had guys already in place, and he went along for the ride. The Bandits are averaging only 156 yards per game in passing which is the middle of the pack. Offensive genius that Haley thinks he is, the Bandits should have way more points on the score board. Bandits defense has kept this team in most of their games. Even though I think the Bandits have too many big guys that can get tired in the second half. A good running game can wear therm out.

#6.

HOUSTON GAMBLERS (1-3) SAME

The Gamblers defense are a machine at getting turnovers.

The Gamblers lead the league in that department as they forced 4 turnovers against the Breakers last weekend, with all of them coming from New Orleans quarterback Kyle Sloter. The problem with the Gamblers is they can’t capitalize on them. Plus the offense goes dormant in the second half and can’t put points on the board. Second half leads for Houston evaporate and lead to heartbreaking losses with another one coming from the Breakers last Sunday.

Gamblers have to figure out how to put away a team. They may need to start learning how to Mortal Kombat their opponent.

#7.

MICHIGAN PANTHERS (1-3) SAME Panthers have one of the best defenses in the USFL. The Panthers head coach, Jeff Fisher, has the most stars and stripes on his polo shirt in the USFL from all those years in the NFL. The kicking game for the Panthers have been killing them all year. Panthers had two timeouts left at their disposal at the 3 yard line with 28 seconds left in the game down by one point.

Jeff Fisher pulls a Homer Simpson, runs down the clock to a few seconds, and takes a time out to trot out his kicker. Not even taking one chance to try to get the six points with a touchdown. The kicker misses and game over. The Panthers lost to the Stars second string quarterback to pour gasoline on the fire.

#8.

PITTSBURGH MAULERS (0-4) SAME It looks like history is repeating itself in the city of Pittsburgh when it comes to the Maulers of the USFL. In 1984, the lone season the Maulers played, they finished with a 3-15 record which was at the bottom of the barrel of the league at that time. The big name the Maulers had was Heisman trophy winner running back, Mike Rozier.

Rozier could not carry the team by himself as the Maulers relied on a 3rd string quarterback from the Dallas Cowboys, Glenn Carano, who threw more interceptions than touchdown passes. The modern day Maulers really don’t have anyone who stands out from the pack. Maulers’ dueling pianists at quarterbacks have only mustered up 9.7 points per game. The defense surrenders 23 points per game which is the second highest in the league there. The Maulers may be jinxed by the man cut for going with the pizza over the chicken salad.